Most liked posts in thread: Joke Thread

The Closet.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.

Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - £150'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - £350'

Man - 'Sold..'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - £500.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now!'

 

Sounds great, gotta link m8?

 

Just to counter all the negativity around here...

- - - - -
As we were heading for bed my wife asked "Have you put the wheelie bin out?"
I replied "No, I'll do it in the morning."
She said "What about the cat?"
I replied "Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it."

- - - - -
Q: What's worse than raining cats & dogs?
A: Hailing a taxi.

- - - - -
I come from a family of entertainers,my father was a failed magician.
I also have two half sisters.

- - - - -
Peter starts his new job at the London Zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, Peter beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, Peter is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, Peter says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

Peter moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?'

The lion replies,

'Absolutely brilliant!..... Today we had fish, chimps & mushy bees.'
- - - - -

RCB

 

I have just Googled the phrase “missing medieval servant “
It came back “ Page not found.”

 

Overheard at the bank:

– “Good morning, would you please cash this cheque for me?”
– “It would be my pleasure, sir,” replied the teller, “Would you please show me your ID?”
– “I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows me.”
– “Yes sir, we do know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
– “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque...”
– “I’m sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them. ... Look, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”

– “Honestly, my mind is a total blank...I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... I don't have a clue.”

– “Will that be large or small notes, Mr. Corbyn?”

RCB

 

Considering that it's Election Day...

Walking down the street, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter, who says "Welcome to Heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"Just let me in," says the politician.

"Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity."

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises....

The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to show you around Heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and back he goes down, down down to Hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above. The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The Devil looks at him, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

RCB

 

Table football, Premier league edition....

 

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1.

 

BIOLOGY EXAM
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of mother's milk.'
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an 'A'