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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by bantam65, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. bantam65

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    True dit......:cry: FB_IMG_1615266949769.jpg
     
  2. Bronco

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    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and smoke when it starts to rain.
    Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
    Arlene: What in the hell is that?

    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
    Arlene: Where did you get it?
    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, a brand of condom she prefers.
    ‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
    The pharmacist fainted.
     
    bantam65 and MallorcaBantam like this.
  3. Bronco

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    A man walks into a pharmacy in Atlanta with his 8-year old son little Johnny.
    They happen to walk by the condom display, and Little Johnny asks,
    “What are these, Dad?”
    To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
    “Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe s*x.”
    “Oh I see,” replied Johnny pensively.
    “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
    He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
    “Why are there 3 in this package?”
    The dad replies,
    “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
    “Cool,” says Little Johnny.
    He notices a 6 pack and asks,
    “Then who are these for?”
    “Those are for college men,” the dad answers,
    “two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
    “WOW!” exclaimed Johnny,
    “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
    With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
    “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
     
  4. Craven Cottager

    Craven Cottager Squad Player

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  5. Tony Wilkinson

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    IMG-20210320-WA0000.jpg
     
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  6. Hugh Jarse

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  7. Hugh Jarse

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    I wasn't convinced my new orthopaedic shoes would do the trick.


    Well, I have to say I stand corrected...
     
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  8. Hugh Jarse

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    Next week is Diarrhoea Awareness week.



    Runs from Monday to Friday.
     
  9. Hugh Jarse

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  10. Hugh Jarse

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    As an aircraft is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"
    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
     
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  11. Hugh Jarse

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  12. Hugh Jarse

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  13. Hugh Jarse

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  14. Tony Wilkinson

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    171482744_10208792258959920_6900368588663276165_n.jpg
     
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  15. River_City_Bantam

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    Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are on a camping holiday. They settle down to sleep on the first night but after a while Watson is woken by his companion nudging him in the ribs.

    "Watson," says Holmes. "Look up at the stars in the night sky above us and tell me what you deduce."
    "Well," says Watson, "I can see thousands upon thousands of stars . Astronomically, this tells me that there are potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a fine day tomorrow with a chance of a shower later. What about you Holmes? What did you deduce from it?"

    "That someone has stolen our tent!" says Holmes.

    * * * * *

    When I were a lad, Little Willy was all the rage:

    "Willy had some dynamite / Couldn't understand it quite / Curiosity never pays / It rained Willy seven days."

    * * * * *

    Now there seems to be no end of Little Johnny stories:

    A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

    Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girl with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

    The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

    Susie replies: "I wanna be Johnny's girl."

    * * * * *

    Teacher asked her class for a story with a moral.

    Little Johnny replied:

    "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

    The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

    "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't &#%! with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

    RCB
     
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  16. Tony Wilkinson

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    Table football, Premier league edition....

    172414704_10225702353726473_811519742094447795_n.jpg
     
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  17. Bronco

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  18. Tony Wilkinson

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  19. Tony Wilkinson

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  20. bantam65

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