Joke Thread

Sounds great, gotta link m8?

 

Used to be a section on C&B with some great jokes (& no pics) Twas removed, don't think Ed had much of a sense of humour

 

I miss it as a relief from the depression of being a City supporter

 

The Closet.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.

Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - £150'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - £350'

Man - 'Sold..'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - £500.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now!'

 

I was standing at the bar at the Royal British Legion Club one night, minding my own business.

This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my backside and said, "You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"

I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"

She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".

I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."




**********

I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."



***********


I was talking to a young woman in the RBL last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."



**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."


*********


I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell off the top board.



**********

I went to our RBL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

The only 16 stone man to ride a Derby Winner,"Lester Piggots Cell Mate".

 

I can only offer my thanks @bantam65, I'm on the ball now.

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those”

 

Over the heads of 1 or 2 on here.....

 

Funny..

 

Will someone throw @Bronco a fish?