Joke Thread

How do you make a hormone?



Don’t pay her...

 

https://twitter.com/i/status/977559296429916160

 

Overheard at the bank:

– “Good morning, would you please cash this cheque for me?”
– “It would be my pleasure, sir,” replied the teller, “Would you please show me your ID?”
– “I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows me.”
– “Yes sir, we do know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
– “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque...”
– “I’m sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them. ... Look, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”

– “Honestly, my mind is a total blank...I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... I don't have a clue.”

– “Will that be large or small notes, Mr. Corbyn?”

RCB

 

I expect, come the morning over there, the mods will send post and poster of the following to their deserved fate. But the gibberish masquerading as English reminds me of that famous Portugese-English phrasebook "English as She is Spoke", written by someone who didn't actually have a Portugese-English dictionary to hand... (Though I must admit to wondering if that work was not actually produced as a huge joke by some mischievous undergraduate...). Enjoy!

"Pullover can be an amazing choice for a contravention of posture ("round" thoracic place), however it ought to simplest be done after the trapezius muscle mass are stretched and movement within the shoulder joint is done at full amplitude. When deciding on dumbbells, you have to: Use medium and mild weights; The criterion is the capacity to “crank” the shoulder joint to the location this is required to set up the forearm behind the ear; Weight ought to be without difficulty managed, if possible, dumbbells with uncomfortable handles that can't be held ought to be averted; Be cautious with collapsible scales, test the locks in order that they are in a twisted function If a person cannot perform the workout in particular with a dumbbell, it is worth taking a more in-depth look at the barbells, as this can be extra cozy for the shoulder joints. Training of the again should no longer begin with the pullover lying down, you have to first work out the broadest pull-ups, block vertical pull, and pull to the belt, and only then do the available version of the pullover. Performing the exercise with both a barbell and dumbbells, it's miles necessary to display the circumstance of the shoulder joints. If there's pain, or ache, it is worth replacing this exercise with some other motion for the widest, to be able to not injure the shoulders. A classic dumbbell bench press on an incline bench is an workout for developing chest muscle tissues. This primary motion has been recognised because the golden technology of bodybuilding. Dumbbells commenced to attain earlier than the barbell. Many bodybuilders take into account the motion extra beneficial for constructing extremely good volumetric muscles than the bench press, due to the fact the muscle groups paintings with dumbbells at a fuller amplitude. Individuals,"

Maybe it's really avant-garde free-form poetry, and needs to be formatted correctly...

RCB

 

And then there was one...just Alan Bennett left. I've always liked this one of Miller's monologues:


RCB

 

Just got off the phone to the parents. The family dog wants doggie Spanish lessons for Christmas....apparently he thinks he’s Espaniol...

 

A 10 year old girl asks her mom, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mom smiled and replied, "Once upon a time daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy sowed the seed carefully and I took care of it every day. After a while the seed started to grow, and it got bigger and bigger. In a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we had sex without a condom!"

RCB (from the land of legal weed, man)

 

Considering that it's Election Day...

Walking down the street, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter, who says "Welcome to Heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"Just let me in," says the politician.

"Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity."

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises....

The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to show you around Heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and back he goes down, down down to Hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above. The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The Devil looks at him, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

RCB

 

Something seasonal:

http://monologues.co.uk/Parodies/Twelve_Days_Correspondence.htm

Emily clearly wasn't an entrepreneur -- she could have started both a dairy company and a brothel with the gifts...

RCB

 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
So she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work,
she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said….
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

 

- Who comes up with all the blonde jokes?
- Brunettes, on those long lonely winter nights...

- - - - -

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

RCB