Joke Thread

Will all the children we can expect to be born starting 8-9 months from now be collectively known as Coronials?
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John Travolta tested negative for the coronavirus. All he had was Saturday Night Fever.
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I could tell you a joke about the coronavirus...but it might take you up to a fortnight to get it.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of toilet rolls...

RCB

 

Everyone please get tested !!!

The UK is taking the coronavirus seriously:

New testing is now being conducted without the need to leave your house, so no hospital visit necessary.

All you have to do is mail your stool sample to:

Testing Health - Faecal Covid (THFC)
White Hart Lane
Tottenham
London N17

ADDED NOTE: Large samples give a more accurate result !!

 

I was praising Gary Neville for his generous offer to allow his hotels to be used for the NHS, then I read today he says Leeds & West Brom should be promoted to the Premier League.
One minute Radrizzani is talking about trying to sign Ibrahimovic and Edinson Cavani next minute he's talking about asking his players to take a deferral with their wages.

 

Do you want chips or rice with these .....

 

Feel more than a little nauseous after watching that

 

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around our Town. The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!

 

The walk from my house to the pub is 5 minutes.

The walk from the pub to my house is 35 minutes.

The difference is staggering.