Joke Thread

Paddy walks into a bar, say's to the landlord “a pint of Guinness please. “
As the landlord is pulling his pint Paddy notices a large bottle filled with £20 notes, so he say's to the landlord “Tell me, what's the bottle of £20 notes for ?”
The landlord say's “That's for a competition we have going on”
So Paddy being Paddy asks “What competition is that”
The landlord say's The competition contains three tasks, anyone who can complete the tasks, gets the bottle of £20 notes”
So Paddy replies “be Jayzuz and what tasks might they be”
The landlord say's “Well the first task is, you see the big guy at the door. Well you have to knock him out with one punch, The second task. That's a little harder. At the back of the pub there's a Alsatian with a bad tooth, and it's in one hell of a temper. You have to pull it’s tooth out, and the third and final task - In the kitchen works a woman called Mary. She's never had sex for 20years. You have to satisfy her and make her happy. If you want to try your luck it will cost you £20”
Paddy says “Jayzuz, I don't think I'll bother thanks”
A while later after he's had a few pints, Paddy looks at the bottle of £20 notes, then at the big guy and thinks to himself. He doesn't Look as big as he did when I came in. Shouts the landlord and say's. “I'll have a go at the tasks, and gives the landlord £20.”
Walks over to the big guy, gives him one hell of a punch and knocks him clean out !
Then say's right now for task two. Goes out to the back of the pub. About 20 mins later he comes back in, all his clothes ripped covered in blood and scratches and say's “Right were's the woman with the bad tooth”........

 

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my kangaroo off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his *@?$ wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

 

One day Andy was rummaging through the collection of old photos in the attic, when he came across one that he hadn't seen in years. It was an old faded picture of his school friend, Eddie White. They had hung out together for most of their childhood years, but the school system sent them to different high schools, and that was the last they'd ever seen of each other. Andy wondered how Eddie was doing, and for the days and weeks that followed he just couldn't get Eddie out of his thoughts. He explained the waves of nostalgia that kept rolling over him to his neighbour one day, and his neighbour suggested that he take the time to look Eddie up. It took him months and months of careful research, but finally he traced him to a cotton mill.

Eddie had done well for himself. Andy learned that he had worked his way up to be chief cotton buyer for the mill, and so with great anticipation Andy boarded the train to go see him. The following day, he went into the reception area of the mill and asked the receptionist to inform Eddie that an old friend was waiting downstairs to see him. The receptionist simply smiled, and Andy's heart sank as she informed him that Mr. White had gone abroad to buy cotton for the mill, and he wouldn't be back for at least four weeks. It was a tremendous disappointment, but Andy said that he'd try again in four weeks. And that was how it went, on and on.

Every time Andy went to the mill to see Eddie, he was informed that he'd just left to buy cotton for the mill. But one day, the receptionist took pity on him, and said to Andy, "Look, I've just spoken to Mr. White's secretary, and she assures me that he is very eager to meet you again after all these years, and that he'll definitely be in his office on the 18th of next month to see you. And he made that a very firm promise. He'll not go anywhere that day to buy cotton!"

So Andy had this assurance, the weeks went by, and the 18th came along. On that morning, Andy walked into the reception area with a spring in his step, when suddenly the receptionist's face told him that he'd be disappointed yet again. "But this is dreadful," moaned Andy, "please don't tell me that he's gone off to buy more cotton. Every time, it's the same old thing. 'Mr. White isn't here right now. He's in Egypt buying cotton!'"

"Er, no," said the receptionist. "It's worse than that. You see, Mr. White dropped dead in the parking lot the other day."
“What?" cried Andy, "My friend Eddie, dead? I don't believe what I'm hearing!" "I know how you must be feeling," sympathised the receptionist, "but perhaps you'd like to see the monument that the company set up over his grave. It's just across the road in that cemetery."

So Andy sadly dragged his tired feet over to the cemetery, and walked up to the huge black marble monument that was erected over Eddie's grave, and through his tears Andy began to read the magnificent gold lettering carved on the front of the monument:
.
.
.

"Here lies Eddie White
Gone, but not for cotton."

RCB

 

So i said to Arnie "where did you get those toilet rolls?"

He said "aisle B, back"

 

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the Pope, Nicola Sturgeon and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and theres only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA!’ Takes one and jumps The pope said ‘I need one, I've to sort out the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I need to sort out England.’ He takes one and jumps. Nicola said to the ten year old "you can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting". The 10 year old said "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in America took my school bag".