Joke Thread

Leeds United

 

Ladbrokes offering 4/1 on Niki Lauda surviving a cremation...

 

N the Rooster


Ninah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


Ninas favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


To Ninah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.


Ninah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

 

Why did the ex Premier League player dig a mine in his back garden?

Andy Cole.

 

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply
to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,
a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,
and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'

 

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

 

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

 

Q: What do you get when you boil a funny bone with some veggies and spices?

A: A laughing stock.

RCB

 

Q: What do you call an illegally-parked frog?

A: Toad.

Safe as safe can be

RCB

 

What this world needs is more groanworthy puns.

It's Harvest Sunday at a small village church in rural England, and the vicar is organising his annual Harvest Festival where, traditionally, people bring their home grown vegetables and fruit to the service. But this year is different.

The village cricket team has just won their league and the village is in a celebratory mood, so the vicar decides to do something special. He decides that the service will have a cricket theme. The day arrives, and the church is filled with flowers. In the middle of the display is a model pitch complete with stumps, and people are laying their offerings around the wickets.

Everything is going well, until one lady places some peas among the other vegetables. She is stopped by the vicar and after a brief discussion returns to her seat still clutching the peas. "What happened?" asks the lady sitting next to her. She shrugs her shoulders and says:
.
.
.
.
"There's no peas for the wicket."

RCB

 

Love the Sky App

 

What goes round, comes round.



Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

 

BREAKING. Man arrested after falling into farm machinery whilst trying to steal it...

He is due to be bailed on Friday!

 

Little Johnny !!


One night, Little johnny walked into his parents’ bedroom to find his dad fooling around with his mom.
“Dad, what are you doing?” Little johnny asked.
“Well son, I’m playing cards,” his dad replied without losing a beat.
“What’s Mom doing?”
“Oh, she’s my wild card.”
That weekend, Little johnny went to spend the night at his grandparents.
He woke up and went to their bedroom, and found his grandpa fooling around in bed with his grandma.
“Grandpa, what are you doing?” Adam asked.
“Well Adam, I’m playing cards,” his grandpa replied.
“What’s Grandma doing?”
“Oh, she’s my wild card.”
A few days later, Little johnny wandered into his older brother Steve’s room.
Steve was alone.
“Steve, what are you doing?” Little johnny asked.
“I’m playing cards,” Steve replied.
“But where’s your wild card?”









“When you have a good hand, you don’t need a wild card.”

 

Why should this make me think of White Punks on Dope?

https://me.me/i/gard-dog-on-petrol-i-wonder-if-he-takes-unleaded-a6ebd161f29f4cd692e9f2465e36ad7f

RCB

 

My wife was a stunner!! She loved that job in the abattoir.

 

A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Robbo? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Robbo getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
.
.
.
'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Robbo.'

RCB