Joke Thread

Our team

 

Our club...

 

Do we ever need some laughs now...

Possums!

Some churches were suffering from a plague of possums, and were struggling to stop them peeing in the doorways and disturbing early morning and late night services by sliding up and down the roofs.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possums. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.

= = = = =

Canadian Cows!

The only cow in a small town in the USA stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Canada quite cheaply, so they did. It was absolutely wonderful; it produced lots of milk every day, and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply ever again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset, and decided to go to the Vet, who was considered very wise, tell him what was happening, and ask his advice.

As they explained "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Canada ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Canada.
"You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Canada?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye...

"My wife comes from Canada"

RCB

 

Joke - one word - Brexit

What a shambles. Grown ups can't just talk to each other and compromise.

 

Bill & Monica

Finally, the true story...

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred

RCB

 

I picked up a Dalek hitchhiking on the A303 the other week. When I asked him where he was headed , he said 'Exeter mate, Exeter mate' and i said i could take him as far as Taunton . . .

 

As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically

As the doors closed, he looked me in the eye and said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?

 

I picked up a hitch-hiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger and asked, “Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the one car would be astronomical.

 

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

RCB

 

Never challenge death to a pillow fight.

Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.

 

I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board.

I thought "I'll give it a go".

 

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?
It's not the end of the world.

 

Great advert but will upset some mild mannered snowflakes on here especially the left who have no sense of humour

 

When I first saw it I thought it was actual footgae from the "Dam Busters" film as you can't tell who the actors are then when he start saving the bouncing bombs I had to laugh.

 

I was half expecting him to get a cricket bat and start hitting them back !!!

 

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"








The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

 

I have just Googled the phrase “missing medieval servant “
It came back “ Page not found.”

 

A young country lad was obsessed with tractors. He ate, slept, and drank tractors and spent most days on the farm, dreaming about them.

His father was very concerned about this and confided to the local bar owner, that he was worried that his son wasn't interested in girls, or going out or having a drink. It was just tractors! The bar owner agreed to take him on as a glass-collector, just to get him away from the farm life. So next day, the lad showed up and started collecting glasses. He did this for two weeks and his father tells the bar owner, "He hasn't mentioned a tractor since, thank God!"

One night while at work, a fire started and the whole bar filled with thick smoke.The people started to panic, when suddenly the young lad opened his mouth and sucked in all the smoke, ran outside and blew it all out.He repeated this several times, until the bar became empty of smoke.

Everyone was amazed and the bar owner asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

"T'was no bother," said the young lad....

"I'm an EX-TRACTOR FAN!"

= = = = =

While on vacation in Spain with my wife I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.

The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.

I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”
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She replied, "No one expects the Spanish Inn Physician"

RCB

 

Huddersfield have just won Goal of the Season!
Sorry, I misheard that.
Huddersfield have just one goal this season.