Joke Thread

Just to counter all the negativity around here...

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As we were heading for bed my wife asked "Have you put the wheelie bin out?"
I replied "No, I'll do it in the morning."
She said "What about the cat?"
I replied "Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it."

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Q: What's worse than raining cats & dogs?
A: Hailing a taxi.

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I come from a family of entertainers,my father was a failed magician.
I also have two half sisters.

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Peter starts his new job at the London Zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, Peter beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, Peter is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, Peter says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

Peter moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?'

The lion replies,

'Absolutely brilliant!..... Today we had fish, chimps & mushy bees.'
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RCB

 

He got one from The Wetherby Whaler but got battered..

 

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!



A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.



The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.



He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.



"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.



He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance."



The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"



He replied, "No money in the bank."



Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.



He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."



The nun became agitated and announced, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."



The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest'’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, and said:

'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered.'

RCB

 

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

 

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

 

Sat in bed laughing my head off.

Bring back the jokes forum section proper. Some times you need a good laugh.

 

I don't remember the C&B Joke section being like that. Always made me chuckle. Bring it back I say.

 

Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6in. His statue is 17ft 4in.
That's Horatio of around 3:1

 

Some bloke just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said, "Is that a fret?"

 

What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

 

Do you struggle to keep your eyes open after using your iPad?

There's a nap for that.

 

Why shouldn’t you wear Ukrainian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

Sorry!

 

My son asked me what "inexplicable" means.

I said, "It's hard to explain."

 

Teacher asks his class to come up with a sentence that uses the word contagious. Little Billy at the back of the class puts his hand up. With the lack of any other choice the teacher picks Billy. "Go on then Billy surprise me.". Billy stands proudly and says the other day my dad was watching our neighbour getting a delivery of gravel on his drive and he said I bet it takes the contagious to shift that.

 

BREAKING NEWS

Police in Bradford today pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.

It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.

The driver was sober.

He had a full licence and no points.

A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.