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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by bantam65, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. River_City_Bantam

    P.L. 23/24 Top 20 P.L.23/24 Entrant P.L. 20/21 Top 10

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    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Hugh Jarse likes this.
  2. Skyebantam

    Skyebantam Impact Sub

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    Went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The keeper told me that it was bread in captivity.
     
  3. Skyebantam

    Skyebantam Impact Sub

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    Uh!!! another wooden ball. Maybe the makers of avocadoes could include a different toy next time?
     
    Dennis likes this.
  4. bantam65

    P.L. 23/24 Top 10 P.L.23/24 Entrant Supporter

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    Fordy117 likes this.
  5. Fordy117

    Fordy117 Just call me Mr Flip-Flop!
    Bubbles car wash

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  6. Skyebantam

    Skyebantam Impact Sub

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    When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1.
     
  7. Skyebantam

    Skyebantam Impact Sub

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    Shamelessly nicked ... all of them:

    The flat earth society has just reported that it’s got a million members all around the globe!
     
    Bronco and Offside like this.
  8. Offside

    Offside Impact Sub

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    Mainly off me .:brig::brig::brig::brig::brig::brig:
     
  9. Offside

    Offside Impact Sub

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    I've been offered a job in a clock factory ,

    I think it's a wind up .
     
    Wakefield Bantam likes this.
  10. Skyebantam

    Skyebantam Impact Sub

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    you wish ;)
     
  11. Offside

    Offside Impact Sub

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    You created a monster with the invite to the Tim vine line . :devil::devil::devil::devil:
     
  12. Hugh Jarse

    P.L. 23/24 Top 30 Euro24 PL Entrant P.L.23/24 Entrant Qatar 2022 Entrant P.L. 20/21 Top 20 Euro 2020

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    I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
    It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
     
    Berkshire-bantam and Bronco like this.
  13. River_City_Bantam

    P.L. 23/24 Top 20 P.L.23/24 Entrant P.L. 20/21 Top 10

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    ‘Some useful terms, shamelessly stolen from elsewhere:

    Coronacoaster
    The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You'’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.

    Quarantinis
    Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o'’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

    Blue Skype thinking
    A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a “Zoomposium”. Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.

    Le Creuset wrist
    It’'s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’'re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

    Coronials
    As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.

    Furlough Merlot
    Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.

    Coronadose
    An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a “panicdemic”.

    Getting on your Wicks
    Vexing noise levels from neighbours doing their daily workout with Joe Wicks, the Body Coach. Star jumps and burpees sound like a stampeding herd of buffalo.

    Miley/Billy Ray
    Rhyming slang for coronavirus, as in popstrel Miley Cyrus (ie ‘virus’) or her country crooner father Billy Ray. Sample usage: “I'’m suffering with a touch of the Mileys” or “I’'m achy-breaky and displaying Billy Ray symptoms”. Which one you use is a useful indicator of your age.

    Claphazard
    Someone so enthusiastic about saluting our care workers that they forget all social distancing guidelines, start hugging their neighbours and high-fiving passing pedestrians.

    The elephant in the Zoom
    The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

    Doughverkill
    One'’s social media feed being dominated by smug photos of home-made sourdough or banana bread. If making sourdough is so great, how come you'd never done it before March?

    Quentin Quarantino
    An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they'’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

    Covidiot
    One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.

    Space invader
    Someone who routinely comes closer to you than the recommended two metres and whom you’'d like to zap like in an arcade game.

    Goutbreak
    The sudden fear that you'’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king'’s.

    Caught between a shop and a hoard place
    The dilemma of needing to purchase basics but not wanting to be accused of stockpiling. I'm not stockpiling, I usually buy this many tins of beans.

    Zumping
    The recent phenomenon of ending a romantic relationship via video call. Depending on the platform used for the break-up, it can also be known as “FaceTumped” or “Housepumped”.

    Antisocial distancing
    Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

    Dinfluencer
    Someone so proud of their new-found cooking ability that they artfully photograph every supper to boast about it on social media.

    Quaranteam
    The people and/or pets you'’re in lockdown with are your “quaranteam”. This era'’s equivalent of #squadgoals.

    Coughin'’ dodger
    Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

    Tandemic
    A sun-kissed glow acquired from sitting in one'’s garden or (gasp!) flouting the rules on park sunbathing.

    Mask-ara
    Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

    Doom ’'n'’ Zoom
    The feeling spread by the most miserable or pessimistic participant in a videoconference, aka the “Zoommonger” or “lockdowner”.

    Co-runner virus
    An infection potentially spread by selfish fitness fanatics taking up an entire path by jogging two abreast.

    Covid-10
    The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve”.

    RCB
     
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    Campbell's soup and bantam65 like this.
  14. Tony Wilkinson

    P.L. 23/24 Top 30 P.L.23/24 Entrant Supporter P.L. 20/21 Top 10

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    95419150_3046311518817856_8243085475695296512_n.jpg
     
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  15. Bronco

    P.L. 23/24 Top 20 Euro24 PL Entrant P.L. 20/21 Top 30 P.L.23/24 Entrant Supporter Euro 2020

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  16. Boston-Sox

    Boston-Sox Emergency Backup

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    Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
    Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
    tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,
    and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly
    horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

    So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
    has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
    red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
    was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
    could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough,
    there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
    By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,
    but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into
    my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
    Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --
    but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
    I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge
    and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
    But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died
    there on the balcony."

    "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

    The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
    and again asks for his story.

    "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
    building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
    Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.
    But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
    I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto
    the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
    kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed
    a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
    lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
    thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky
    and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

    Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

    The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
    heaven was full and asked for his story.
    "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
     
  17. Chippy

    P.L. 23/24 Top 20 Euro24 PL Entrant P.L.23/24 Entrant Qatar 2022 Entrant Supporter Euro2020 Winner Euro 2020

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  18. Chippy

    P.L. 23/24 Top 20 Euro24 PL Entrant P.L.23/24 Entrant Qatar 2022 Entrant Supporter Euro2020 Winner Euro 2020

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  19. Interested Bystander

    P.L. 23/24 Winner Euro24 PL Entrant P.L.23/24 Entrant Qatar 2022 Entrant Supporter Euro 2020
    Knows Football

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  20. Bronco

    P.L. 23/24 Top 20 Euro24 PL Entrant P.L. 20/21 Top 30 P.L.23/24 Entrant Supporter Euro 2020

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    Any City shirt will do.
     
    Interested Bystander likes this.

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