Joke Thread

An Essex girl has a car crash and is sat in her car with a small amount of blood on her blouse awaiting the arrival of the ambulance.

Upon arrival the ambulanceman says, “What’s your name'

She replies 'Tracy'

“Where are you bleeding from”, says the ambulanceman.

“Romford”, she replies.

 

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First job is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion enclosure.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees".

 

A policeman pulls a guy up in his car and says, "Sir, do you realise you were going 70 miles an hour and this is a 50 zone?"

The guy says, "Actually, I was doing about 55".

His wife says, "Harry, you were doing 80 - you always speed down this stretch of road".

The policeman says, "And I'm also going to do you for having a brake light out".

The guy says, "I didn't know I had a brake light out".

To which the guy's wife says. "Oh Harry you've know about that brake light for weeks!".

And the Policeman says, "And also, you were not wearing your seatbelt".

The guy replies, "Yes I was, I just took it off as you were walking to the car".

The wife says, "Harry, you NEVER wear your seatbelt".

The guy turns round to his wife and says "WILL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!".

The Police officer says, "Does your husband always talk to you like that madam?"

"Only when he's p*ss*d", says the woman.

 

If you think you are smarter than the previous generation: 50 years ago the owner's manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

* * *

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Ah."
"Ah, who?"
"The werewolves of London."

RCB

 

I had some medicine recently - it said it will colour your stools. But I did all my furniture with it.

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

Gary Delaney. Well worth a watch.
Plenty on YouTube but this is a good introduction.

 

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees an old farmer sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the old farmer
“G’ day, mind if I talk to your dog?”
Old Farmer: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog (via ventriloquist): “Doin’ all right.”
Old Farmer: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Old Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Old Farmer: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Old Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Old Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
After a long pause-
Old Farmer: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a f*ckin’ liar.”

 

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, TX and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
The old woman asked the man if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The man grinned and said,
‘Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?’
The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said,
‘Well, thank you, I’m really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my ‘services’ before!’
‘Don’t be flattered’ she replied…
‘Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit…’

 

Visited a zoo the other day, that only had one animal in it. It was a shi tzu.
* * *
My neighbour's been complaining of no running water for the past few days, so I've sent him a get well card.
* * *
I've a cousin with one leg called Kevin. I don't know what his other leg is called.
* * *
A contestant made a meringue on Masterchef, and when the crowd started cheering, the host said "That's unusual; Aussie audiences normally boo meringues."
* * *
A vicar, a priest, and a rabbit walked into a blood-donor clinic. When asked for their blood types, the rabbit replied: "I think I'm a typo."

Perhaps I should stop now...

RCB

 

Trick or Treat (21st century)