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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by bantam65, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. Park bantam

    Park bantam Regular Starter
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    Not for astronauts
     
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  2. bantam65

    bantam65 Squad Player
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    The inner child in me chuckled when he farted .
     
  3. Tony Wilkinson

    Tony Wilkinson Squad Player
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    152401005_10222138953681813_7026045437300830066_n.jpg
     
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    trevor and Bronco like this.
  4. Tony Wilkinson

    Tony Wilkinson Squad Player
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    152552009_10159167855113809_2257643598260358007_n.jpg
     
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  5. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Impact Sub
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    Had to go to hospital yesterday.
    As I sat in the waiting room, a nurse popped in and said “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft a-gley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain For promis'd joy.”
    Later, a doctor came in and said “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
    Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace.”
    I went to the receptionist to ask if I was in A&E, she replied,


    “No ............................................... this is the Burns unit.”
     
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  6. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Impact Sub
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    A little boy gets home from school and says: "Dad, I've got a part in the school Nativity as a man who's been married for 25 years."
    His father replies:





    "Never mind son .................................................. maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
     
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  7. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Impact Sub
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    Bought a head of cabbage at a small family run green grocers called Mamas and Papas, couldn't eat it, all the leaves were brown.
     
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  8. Tony Wilkinson

    Tony Wilkinson Squad Player
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    Spent a couple of nights in hospital, said to the nurse "Go on give us a goodnight kiss", give over she says. I shouldn't even be in bed with you....
     
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  9. Bronco

    Bronco Star Player
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  10. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Impact Sub
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    I said to my doctor " I applied that haemorrhoid cream you gave me but I got a very nasty reaction"

    "Where did you apply it?" he asked.

    I said "On the bus"...
     
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  11. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Impact Sub
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    I got an honours degree in calligraphy.


    To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job, but it looks good on paper...
     
    Bronco likes this.
  12. River_City_Bantam

    River_City_Bantam Squad Player
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    A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
    "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
    The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

    RCB
     
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  13. River_City_Bantam

    River_City_Bantam Squad Player
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    Top Trumps! I recently saw an expanded version of that:

    Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

    The patient replies:

    "Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
    Great chieftain o the puddin race,
    Aboon them a ye take yer place,
    Painch, tripe or thairm,

    As langs my airm."

    Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

    "Some hae meat an canna eat,
    And some wad eat that want it,
    But we hae meat an we can eat,
    So let the Lord be thankit."


    Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

    "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
    O the panic in thy breasty,
    Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
    Wi bickering brattle."


    Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

    "No," said the consultant, "it's the Serious Burns Unit."

    RCB
     
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  14. Bronco

    Bronco Star Player
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