Joke Thread

While walking to his office one day a MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the MP. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the MP.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the lift rises.
The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

he reflects for a minute, then the MP answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"

 

Some months ago now, in a jokes thread on another forum far away someone posted a picture of an Alsatian standing on a couch, looking out the window at people wearing masks, and thinking to himself "Why are all the people wearing muzzles? Did they all bite someone?"

Quick as a flash, another poster responded with "No. It's because they couldn't obey simple commands like 'Sit' and 'Stay' !

That second poster spoke more truth than perhaps he realised!

RCB

 

I was asked earlier that if tiger attacked my wife and mother in law, which one would I save?
Easy, was my reply. The tiger.

 

OLD JOKES HOME
Nun in bath hears knock on door.
Who is it?
It’s the blind man.
Blind man? That’s OK. Come in
Where do you want the blind? Nice tits by the way.

*****

We lost our grandad last week.
Audience: Aaaw.
It’s all right. He’s not dead: just somewhere in Ikea.

*****

Butcher: I sacked the apprentice because I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer. I decided to give her another chance.

 

LIFE NOW

After all the many stupid things I’ve done in my life…if I die because I touched my face, I am going to be seriously annoyed.

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers.

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighbourhood! Those are your neighbours without makeup and with their natural hair colour!

Day 15 at home and the dog is looking at me like, 'See? This is why I chew the furniture!'

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

I never thought the comment 'I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole' would become a national policy, but here we are!

I swear my fridge just said, 'what the hell do you want now?'

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?

RCB

 

I have been on a driving holiday to North Wales and stopped at a village called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwilliantysiliogogogoch.

We went for a coffee and I asked the waitress to slowly say where we were.

‘Burrh Gurrgh Kiing’, she replied.

Aren’t young people snippy these days?