Most liked posts in thread: Joke Thread

RCB

 

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" He asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -"Is that one word or two?"

 

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends.
Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation! Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”
The old cowboy replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren't you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain't,” said the cowboy.
“Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
“Don't doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren't you afraid of me?”
The old cowboy calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

 

I miss it as a relief from the depression of being a City supporter

 

Over the heads of 1 or 2 on here.....

 

He got one from The Wetherby Whaler but got battered..

 

What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

 

Why shouldn’t you wear Ukrainian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

Sorry!

 

Do we ever need some laughs now...

Possums!

Some churches were suffering from a plague of possums, and were struggling to stop them peeing in the doorways and disturbing early morning and late night services by sliding up and down the roofs.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possums. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.

= = = = =

Canadian Cows!

The only cow in a small town in the USA stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Canada quite cheaply, so they did. It was absolutely wonderful; it produced lots of milk every day, and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply ever again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset, and decided to go to the Vet, who was considered very wise, tell him what was happening, and ask his advice.

As they explained "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Canada ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Canada.
"You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Canada?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye...

"My wife comes from Canada"

RCB

 

As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically

As the doors closed, he looked me in the eye and said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?

 

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?
It's not the end of the world.

 

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"








The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

 

Leeds United

 

What goes round, comes round.



Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."