Joke Thread

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the frickin' Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

 

After peoples help please, does anyone know any footballers who can kick a ball for over a mile with one kick?


I know it's a long shot.

 

You can determine the sex of an ant by dropping it in water !!
If it sinks - girl ant.
If it floats - boy ant.

 

Maybe not the best manager but certainly a great human being.

 

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends.
Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation! Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”
The old cowboy replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren't you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain't,” said the cowboy.
“Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
“Don't doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren't you afraid of me?”
The old cowboy calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”