Most liked posts in thread: Joke Thread

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to Blackburn, Darwen, Burnley, Rochdale and Littleborough. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone. He arrived in Todmorden, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.

 

Used to be a section on C&B with some great jokes (& no pics) Twas removed, don't think Ed had much of a sense of humour

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those”

 

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.

 

BREAKING NEWS

Police in Bradford today pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.

It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.

The driver was sober.

He had a full licence and no points.

A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.

 

I picked up a Dalek hitchhiking on the A303 the other week. When I asked him where he was headed , he said 'Exeter mate, Exeter mate' and i said i could take him as far as Taunton . . .

 

One day Andy was rummaging through the collection of old photos in the attic, when he came across one that he hadn't seen in years. It was an old faded picture of his school friend, Eddie White. They had hung out together for most of their childhood years, but the school system sent them to different high schools, and that was the last they'd ever seen of each other. Andy wondered how Eddie was doing, and for the days and weeks that followed he just couldn't get Eddie out of his thoughts. He explained the waves of nostalgia that kept rolling over him to his neighbour one day, and his neighbour suggested that he take the time to look Eddie up. It took him months and months of careful research, but finally he traced him to a cotton mill.

Eddie had done well for himself. Andy learned that he had worked his way up to be chief cotton buyer for the mill, and so with great anticipation Andy boarded the train to go see him. The following day, he went into the reception area of the mill and asked the receptionist to inform Eddie that an old friend was waiting downstairs to see him. The receptionist simply smiled, and Andy's heart sank as she informed him that Mr. White had gone abroad to buy cotton for the mill, and he wouldn't be back for at least four weeks. It was a tremendous disappointment, but Andy said that he'd try again in four weeks. And that was how it went, on and on.

Every time Andy went to the mill to see Eddie, he was informed that he'd just left to buy cotton for the mill. But one day, the receptionist took pity on him, and said to Andy, "Look, I've just spoken to Mr. White's secretary, and she assures me that he is very eager to meet you again after all these years, and that he'll definitely be in his office on the 18th of next month to see you. And he made that a very firm promise. He'll not go anywhere that day to buy cotton!"

So Andy had this assurance, the weeks went by, and the 18th came along. On that morning, Andy walked into the reception area with a spring in his step, when suddenly the receptionist's face told him that he'd be disappointed yet again. "But this is dreadful," moaned Andy, "please don't tell me that he's gone off to buy more cotton. Every time, it's the same old thing. 'Mr. White isn't here right now. He's in Egypt buying cotton!'"

"Er, no," said the receptionist. "It's worse than that. You see, Mr. White dropped dead in the parking lot the other day."
“What?" cried Andy, "My friend Eddie, dead? I don't believe what I'm hearing!" "I know how you must be feeling," sympathised the receptionist, "but perhaps you'd like to see the monument that the company set up over his grave. It's just across the road in that cemetery."

So Andy sadly dragged his tired feet over to the cemetery, and walked up to the huge black marble monument that was erected over Eddie's grave, and through his tears Andy began to read the magnificent gold lettering carved on the front of the monument:
.
.
.

"Here lies Eddie White
Gone, but not for cotton."

RCB

 

So i said to Arnie "where did you get those toilet rolls?"

He said "aisle B, back"

 

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around our Town. The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!