Joke Thread

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.

Only in maths problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, "What the Heck is wrong with you?"

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".

I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky.

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your partner when dinner will be ready while they’re mowing the lawn

RCB (proud owner of not one but two plastic bags full of plastic bags)

 

I know it's a long shot, but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

 

Still hoping to learn what the french is for 'rendevous' .......

 

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

 

BREAKING NEWS: Chelsea reveal their brand new team bus.

 

A 45-year-old man was going to bed and heard thieves in his garage.
He called the police, the officer on the phone told him unfortunately they didn't have any police officers free at the moment.
The guy hung up and then called again in a moment and tells the officer:
it’s about these thieves in my garage, don't bother coming anymore I've shot them.
After literally 2 minutes, 4 police cars, Armed response, counter terrorists, ambulances,..... the thieves were caught re handed.
The Officer says - “ You said you shot them! “
The gentlemen - “ And you said you don't have a free police car “ ..

 

RCB

 

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology really bugs me in ways I can't put into words...