Joke Thread

Maid: Madam I would like a rise. Madam: and why do you think that, can you give me three reasons why I should.
Maid: firstly I am a better cook than you .
Madam: who told you this.
Maid: your husband madam. Secondly I am better at ironing than you.
Madam: who told you this.
Maid: your husband did madam.
The madam is getting a little agitated now.
Maid: thirdly I am better in bed than you .
The madam loses it now and shouts, and did my husband tell you that . Maid: no madam the gardener did Madam: how much were thinking of.

 

I've decided to form a choir for Christmas. Anyone else want to join? So far I've got Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.

 

God called Noah one day and said, "Noah, I need you to build another ark."
"What, like the last one?" asked Noah.
"Erm, no - I need this one to have 6 floors."
"6 floors! OK, you're the boss. And do I lead the animals in two by two like last time?"
"No, this time I want you to just take fish on board."
Noah, perplexed, asked, "Fish! What sort of fish?"
"Just carp." said God.
"OK, why just carp?" asked Noah.
God said "Because I've always wanted a multi-story carp ark."

RCB

 

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything, they had talked about everything, they had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

* * * * * and for the other side * * * * *

When a couple got married, the husband told his wife that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. His wife agreed and promised to never open the box. She respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, her curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer bottles.

She felt guilty, and confessed to her husband that she had opened the shoebox, apologizing profusely. He said it was okay, but then she asked him, "what are the beer bottles for?"

He replies "Love, every time I was unfaithful to you, I drank a beer and promised never to do it again." She is taken aback, but not surprised. She thought "Well, we have been married a long time, I guess that's not too bad. Only two flings over all those years."

She then asks her husband "what's all the cash for?" He says "well, every time the box got full, I took the bottles back to the Beer Store for the deposits."

RCB

 

I've just rushed the missus through to A&E and said to the doctor...."My wife has swollowed one of those Quaility Street chocolates, and it's stuck in her throat".
He asked..."Is it the purple one"?
I replied..."Yes..that's her".