Joke Thread

Brilliant

 

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure." The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young man. "Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd. "That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

 

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

 

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, ''So, how was I?''
She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''

 

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway.

 

Was at a cash machine the other day when a frail old lady asked if i would check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

 

She's going to love it. She keeps asking me what it is but she'll just have to wait.

 

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."

 

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him
down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?