Most liked posts in thread: Joke Thread

Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6in. His statue is 17ft 4in.
That's Horatio of around 3:1

 

Some bloke just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said, "Is that a fret?"

 

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

RCB

 

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,
and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly
horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough,
there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,
but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into
my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --
but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died
there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto
the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed
a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky
and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

 

Did you know the actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan, and never wore aftershave?

Yul never wore cologne.

 

A man walks into a pharmacy in Atlanta with his 8-year old son little Johnny.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and Little Johnny asks,
“What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
“Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe s*x.”
“Oh I see,” replied Johnny pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
“Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies,
“Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool,” says Little Johnny.
He notices a 6 pack and asks,
“Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers,
“two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed Johnny,
“then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
“Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Peggy will be down in a minute. So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a picture show, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe walk on the beach.."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mum informed him.

"Is that so?" Fred was incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Some time later a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The TWIST, Mum, the TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The dance is called the TWIST !!!"

RCB

 

8 yr old child: "I feel like you're always making up rules & stuff."

Mum: "Like what?"

8 YOC: "Like if we don't tidy up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension."

M: "Well, that's what happened to your older brother."

8 YOC: "What older brother?"

M: "Exactly!"

* * * * *

Elderly couple are shopping in Iceland. He gets a bit out of puff so she tells him to go and sit by the tills whilst she finds something for pudding. She gets to the pudding section and finds herself also running out of puff. A chap wearing a fur cloak and horned helmet asks her in a strange accent if she's okay. "Oh," she says, "if only I could get down this aisle and chose a few puddings for the week I could go to the till, pay and we could drive home but I'm out of whack."

"Not to worry. I'll piggy-back you. Take your time; choose what you want."

So the strange bloke does just this and the old girl, suitably recovered, prepares to walk to the till and cash out. She turns to the mysterious figure and says, "What are you? What is your name?"

"My name is not important. I am a Viking, is all you need to know."

He turns and disappears into the mists of veg' aisle.

She gets to the checkout and her husband asks, "What took so long? Where have you been?"

And she says:
.
.
.
(wait for it, wait for it)
.
.
.
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name..."

RCB

 

Just eaten a new curry called a Chicken Tarka.

It’s very similar to a Chicken Tikka, just a little otter!!!