Most liked posts in thread: Joke Thread

Went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The keeper told me that it was bread in captivity.

 

The Seven Dwarves have been told that from Monday they can meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

 

Two Irishmen working by a roadside, one is digging holes in the grass verge and when he moves on to dig the next one the bloke behind him fills in the hole he just dug. This keeps going until a man watching in bemusement from his garden asks "What are you doing lads?"

So one of the Irishmen replies "Well there's normally three of us, but the bloke who plants the trees called in sick"

 

I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That's Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Leeds United game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"
"7", I replied.

 

Apparently, City are on the verge of signing Mr Messi. If successful they'll also sign Mr Happi, Mr Tidi, Mr Fussi and any other available Mr Man

 

Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea. Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door, so Seb gets up to answer.
"Who is it?", asks everyone in unison.
"It's Fatima wi t'bread."
- - -
An acquaintance and his new girlfriend were heading over to his mother's for a first meeting, when she got a flat tire. He phoned his mum and said "we'll be a bit late; my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh," replied his mother, "I thought you had a real one this time... "

RCB

 

The news interviewed an 80-year-old lady who had just gotten married for the 4th time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

 

If all the cars in Bradford were placed end to end on the M1, there'd still be a nobhead in an Audi trying to overtake them all.

 

Two Scotsmen go to Hell

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"
The devil says "Glaswegians? Their kind are normally very friendly, helpful and honest, so we do not see many such men in my dark domain... Hang them in a cage over the lake of fire for now and I shall check on them later."
But when the devil flew up to the cage to check on the Scotsmen, he found them happily lounging around with their shirts off.
"What is the meaning of this?" The devil cried. "You're supposed to be in torment!"
The Glaswegians looked surprised "Naw" they said "it's pure quality taps aff weather here man. It's no drab an' dreek like Scotland, you know that way?"
Fuming, the devil flew to the great thermostat of Hell and cranked it all the way to the top. And the next day, the temperature was so high that even the demons were sweating, the stones of hell were melting and the flames from the lake of fire were leaping higher than ever before.
So the devil was surprised when he visited the Scotsmen and found that they had somehow procured plastic lawn furniture and Buckfast tonic wine.
Raising a glass to the devil, one of the Scotsmen said "Hey big man! If I'd known it was so lovely an warm doon here, I'd've done a whole lot more sinning! Weather's always shite in Glasgae. Always freezin' ma nuts off, you know?"
"I see." The devil replied, smiling though clenched teeth "your dismal country has given you a great love of heat. The hotter it is, the happier you are. Well, we'll see about that."
So saying, he flew to the great thermostat of Hell once more, but this time, he turned it all the way down.
The next day, the lake of fire was frozen solid for the first time, sinners were frozen in blocks of ice and demons huddled in corners for warmth, their teeth chattering.
But when the devil visited the Scotsmen, he found them jumping for joy, tearfully cheering "Scotland! SCOTLAND!!!"
The devil's jaw dropped. "What? Why? How? I burn you and you are happy! I freeze you and you celebrate! What is wrong with you?"
One of Glaswegians turned back and said "Is it no feckin' obvious ye daft bastart? Hell's frozen over! Scotland's won the world cup!"

RCB

 

I've put all my dogging gear up for sale on e Bay. I haven't had any bids yet but there's 14 people watching.

 

New bansky has appeared in Westminster