Joke Thread

I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That's Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Leeds United game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"
"7", I replied.

 

Did you know that before Charles Dickens published A Tale Of Two Cities in book form it was serialised in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times


If you need proof of just how useless face masks are, think of how easily farts escape through your trousers.

 

Oh dear

 

The king asked the royal weather forecaster to give him the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist guaranteed there was no rain in the forecast at all, so the king went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So, the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential cold rain fell from the sky. The King was totally soaked. Furious, he returned to the palace and sacked the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain"

So, the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this very day.

RCB

 

Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in their back in the past 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern

 

LOST IN TRANSLATION
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN — Sign in a Bangkok temple.

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR — Cocktail lounge in Norway.

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES — Doctor's office, Rome.

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS — Dry cleaners, Bangkok.

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE — On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP — College poster

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES — In a Cemetery

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED — Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations.

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID — Hotel, Yugoslavia.

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID — Hotel, Japan.

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY — In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery.

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR — Swiss restaurant menu.

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS — In a Tokyo Bar.

And finally …
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE — Sign in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window.

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing.

*****
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it.

*****
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

 

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to “go forth and multiply.” The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes who stayed behind. When Noah asked them why, they replied: "“We can’'t multiply. We’'re adders.”"

Noah, being the resourceful man that he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the lumber therefrom. And he saw that it was good.

The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

- - - - -

A young lad goes off to University and after a while moves into a flat with a roommate.

His Mother comes to visit one day for Sunday dinner, and is shocked to find that the roommate is not another bloke, but a young, stunningly beautiful woman. The son assures her though that despite that, they’re just friends. Barely that in fact - they get along, share the rent and chores and study.

During dinner, Mother admires an item the lad has picked up for the kitchen: a lovely antique serving ladle - silver, with charming decorations. The young man explains he picked it up in an antique store because it reminded him of home.

Well, dinner was a great success and Mother went home, satisfied. After a while though, the lad realized he could not find the ladle anywhere. Not in the kitchen, not in the dining room. He was aghast - his own mother stole from him?

He sent a note to his mum, not actually accusing her but inquiring as to where the ladle went. The note ended:

“I’m not saying you took it and I’m not saying you didn’t, but if it was to be returned nothing more would be said.”

Mother’s return note was prompt:

“I’m not saying you are sleeping with her and I’m not saying you’re not, but if she was sleeping in her own bed, she’d have found the ladle.”

RCB

 

Apparently, City are on the verge of signing Mr Messi. If successful they'll also sign Mr Happi, Mr Tidi, Mr Fussi and any other available Mr Man