Most liked posts in thread: Joke Thread

I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin, but I can't remember if i'm taking her out Tuesday or Wednesday

 

Eileen and her husband Doug went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her and began kissed her passionately as her husband Doug watched with a raised eyebrow! Eileen shut up, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of what had just transpired. The therapist turned to Doug and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week... Can you do this?"
Doug thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

 

RCB

 

A couple were sat watching TV one Saturday Night, the husband keeps flicking through the channels,
Golf.
Porn.
Golf.
Porn
Golf,
Porn
Golf
Porn
The wife says for Christs sake leave it on Porn you know how to play Golf

 

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure." The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young man. "Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd. "That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

 

Seeing as we've become the thread for groanworthy wordplay...

Did you know that leather is rated according to its texture? Cows from areas with abundant water sources have soft hides and are rated from "A" (good) to "C" (poor). However, hides from cows in hot, dry climates are almost invariably "D" hide rated.

RCB