Joke Thread

A man walked into a bar and said ouch ----- it was an iron bar .

 

This is one of a number of jokes I posted on the Official LFC Forum
Apologies to any Man Utd Fans
You can change names to any players you want


Gary Neville,Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney were set to face a firing squad in some small Central American Country.
Gary Neville was the first one placed against the wall.Just before the order was given to shoot he yelled out,'EARTHQUAKE!'
The firing squad fell into a panic and Gary jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Michael Owen was the next to be placed against the wall.The firing squad was reassembled and Michael pondered over what he had just witnessed.Again just before the order to shoot was given,Michael yelled out, 'TORNADO!!'
Again the firing squad fell into a panic and in the confusion Michael slipped over the wall and escaped.
Wayne Rooney was the last to be placed against the wall.Already he was thinking,I see the pattern here,just scream out something about a disaster and skip over the wall and escape.Wayne confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad assembled for the third time. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled 'FIRE!!!'

 

Here's one for you @Offside

 

Good times for the guys in Wales

 

Here is Another one

Three Liverpool Fans and three Man Utd Fans are travelling by train.At the station,the three Man Utd Fans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Liverpool Fans buy only a single ticket.
'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Utd Fans.
'Watch' says one of the Liverpool Fans.
They all board the train.The United Fans take their seats but the three Liverpool Fans cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs,the conductor comes around collecting the tickets.He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'ticket please'. The door opens just a crack and a arm appears with a ticket in hand.The conductor takes it and moves on.The United Fans agrees it is a clever idea.So, on the return journey,the United Fans decide to copy the Liverpool Fans.When they get to the station , they buy a single ticket but to their amazement the Liverpool Fans don't buy a ticket at all.
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked one of the United Fans.
'Watch' says one of the Liverpool Fans.
When they board the train the three United Fans cram into a toilet whilst the three Liverpool Fans cram into one nearby.
The train departs.Shortly afterwards, one of the Liverpool Fans leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the United Fans are hiding.He knocks on the door and says,'Ticket please......'

 

Brett MackFollow
teMdSpaionsrculonfh 2gro7ed
GOVERNMENT SYSTEMS IN PLACE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
E.V.I.L.
Economic Value of Individual Lives

 

A Liverpool Fan walking along Southport beach one day found a bottle.
He rubbed it and,sure enough,out popped a Genie.
'I will grant you three wishes,' said the Genie. 'But there is a catch,'
'What's the catch?' the Liverpool Fan asked.
The Genie replied; Every time you make a wish, every Man Utd Fan in the World
will recieve double the wish you were granted.'
'Well, I can live with that! No promblem!' replied the Liverpool Fan.
'What is your first wish?' asked the Genie.
'Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!'
whoosh! A Ferrari appeared in front of the Liverpool Fan.
'Now every Man Utd Fan in the World has two Ferraris,' Said the Genie. 'What is your second wish,'
'I'd love a Million Pounds,' replied the Liverpool Fan.
WHOOSH!! One Million Pounds appeared at the Liverpool Fan's feet.
'Now Every Man Utd Fan in the World has Two Million Pounds,' said the Genie.
'Well,that's OK, as long as I've got my Million,' replied the Liverpool Fan.
'What is your third and final wish,?' asked the Gernie.'
The Liverpool Fan thought long and hard,and finally he said.........
'Well,you know,I've always wanted to donate a Kidney........

 

I used ‘space invader’ last week - accompanied with a few choice expletives.

 

I like the concept of antisocial distancing!

RCB

 

Not quite sure if this is a joke, a set of instructions, or grounds for divorce...

BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

RCB

 

The Seven Dwarves have been told that from Monday they can meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

 

A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon. He reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says: "Hey mate, don’t kill me, I’m only a baby. I haven’t swum the 7 seas yet. Give me a chance, pal.”
The man looks at the salmon: “You can talk?”
“Course I can. Go on -- put me back; there’s much bigger fish under the bridge.”
“All right,” says the man,"I’ll put you back. What’s your name?”
“Rusty,” says the salmon. “And yours?”
“Dave.”
Dave puts the fish back in the water and resolves to say nothing of this to anyone, fearing that he’ll become a laughing stock.
About ten years later he’s fishing in the same spot and he hooks a monster. It takes him two hours to land it. He looks at it and pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye and looks at him and says:
“Dave, is that you?”
“Rusty! I don’t believe it! It must be 10 years since I let you go. What've you been doing?”
“Well Dave, I’ve had a fantastic time. I’ve swum the seven seas, and all the oceans. In fact, I’ve just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed.”
“Why’s that, Rusty?”
“Well, I was halfway across and a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper and deeper, and I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels. It felt like death so I had to leave.”
“Wow Rusty, that was the Titanic. It sank and almost all on board were drowned.”
“Ah, I knew it. In fact, I was so upset I had to sit down and write a poem about it.”
“A poem, don’t talk daft, you’re just a fish, how can you write a poem, that’s rubbish.”
“No Dave, really; it’s available in all bookshops now.”
“OK,” says Dave. “What’s it called then?”
.
.
.
“Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.”

RCB

 

Went into a chemist shop and asked an assistant: ‘What gets rid of coronavirus?’

She said: ‘Ammonia cleaner.’

I said: ‘I’m sorry, I thought you worked here.'

 

An old Yorkshireman is lying in his bed dying. With a very weak voice he asks:

"Is r lass ere?"

"Aye, am ere luv."

“Are mi kids ere?"

“Yes, ur children are all here.'

“Are me grandkids ere?"

“Yes grandad, we are all here."

"Then why is bloody light in kitchen still on?"

 

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What is it, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that?"
"I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret - you know, woman to woman."

RCB