Joke Thread

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, ... revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.

 

I was in a bar on Saturday night... had a few... and I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them chirped, "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?" That's the last thing I remember.

 

My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there.

 

Arthur is 80 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 90 years old. He can't help."
"He may be 90," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."