Joke Thread

A hiker, dishevelled, clearly shaken and out of breath, enters a remote Highland village pub.
"You won't believe this," he says to the landlord. "I've just been attacked by a leopard!"
"Really?" said the landlord.
"Yes!", replied the hiker. "A leopard in the Highlands of Scotland! It's quite incredible."
The hiker sits down, orders a double whisky and continues. "I tried to run, but of course, it was much faster than me."
The hiker downs his whisky in one and orders another.
"It shoved me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but then - and this is really weird - it gave me a really, really sad look, turned around and trotted off."
"Ah, you've met Father Andrews," the landlord says, matter-of-factly.
"Whatever do you mean?" asks the hiker, confused.
"Father Andrews was our priest. A really kind-hearted man, loved by one and all. His only aim in life was to serve his congregation to the best of his ability. So, when one day he found a lamp with a genie who offered him 3 wishes; his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."
"That's nice," remarked the hiker. "He must have been a really kind man."
"Absolutely," said the landlord. "If only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."

RCB

 

RCB

 

That advert could have come out of one of the Monty Python books... Three very obvious typos -- does no one proofread anymore?

RCB

 

No, they don't. Also, the inventor of Autocorrect died yesterday. His funfair will be hello on sundial.

 

Bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, ‘Thanks.’
I said, 'Don't mention it.'