Joke Thread

After getting Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The President?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'



Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

 

I went to A&E today and told the nurse I'd been bitten by a wolf.

She said "Where?"

I said "No, regular."

She stared at me for ten minutes.

 

Last night I accidentally swallowed a bottle of invisible ink.

I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

 

Sylvester Stallone is pitching a new film idea to Jean Claude and Arnie.
Sly : "Its called The Three Great Composers"
Sly: "I'll be Beethoven"
Jean Claude: "I'll be Mozart"
Arnie: "I'm not gonna say it!"

 

I'm reading a book an anti-gravity.




I can't put it down!

 

The funeral of the man who invented Tupperware has been postponed while they try to find the correct lid for his coffin.