Joke Thread

Eric was a simple man from Wigan, who was actually a lumberjack. The work for a lumberjack in Wigan had dried up and he decided to emigrate to America to find work in the mighty rainforest in the deep south.
When he arrived, he was sent for an interview with a great plantation owner in Alabama. The owner said that he would show Eric round the plantation, so they got into the owners pick up truck and set off.
The owner told Eric to impress him that his plantation was so big it would take 8 hours to drive round it. There were 300 different types of tree and a full range of sizes and colours.
Eric was impressed by what he saw but was not fazed.
The owner decided to give Eric a test. He pulled up at the side of the road and pointed at a huge tree.
He asked Eric,
"What's that tree called and how many boards could you get out of it?"

Quick as a flash Eric replied,
"That's a Canadian Maple tree, 400 feet high and 10 feet wide, you could easily get 500 boards from that."

The plantation owner was impressed. So he drove on another few miles and stopped, pointing at another tree.
"What's that one?"

Eric immediately said,
"Why that's a Californian Redwood tree,
350 feet high, 8 feet wide and you could get 350 to 375 boards out of that"

The owner said that's right. He was secretly jealous that Eric seemed to know more than him, so he drove back to his office and took Eric to the huge tree outside. He gave Eric a piece of chalk and told him to mark a big cross on the front of the tree.
Feeling pleased with himself that the tree was round and there was no front of it, he thought he would catch Eric out.
Eric took the chalk, walked all the way round and promptly marked a big cross on the tree.
Eric said, "That's the front of the tree."

The owner, smiling to himself, said to Eric, " How go you reckon that?"

Eric said, " because someone has had a shit round the back."

 

Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner. 'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Then why is he smiling?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'