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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by bantam65, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Squad Player
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  2. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Squad Player
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  3. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Squad Player
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  4. Bronco

    Bronco Star Player
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  5. Tony Wilkinson

    Tony Wilkinson Squad Player
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    345623978_602258981867881_4193845302240418879_n.jpg
     
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    Bronco likes this.
  6. Bronco

    Bronco Star Player
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  7. Boston-Sox

    Boston-Sox Emergency Backup

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    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
    pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a
    drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
    He slams the door and returns to bed.
    "Who was that?" asked his wife.
    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
    "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
    morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
    His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
    down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
    should be ashamed of yourself!"
    The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
    the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
    "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the
    husband.
    "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
     
  8. Boston-Sox

    Boston-Sox Emergency Backup

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    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really angry.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.
     
  9. River_City_Bantam

    River_City_Bantam Squad Player
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    An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
    .
    .
    .
    The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

    RCB
     
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    Salty, Hugh Jarse and Bronco like this.
  10. Bronco

    Bronco Star Player
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  11. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Squad Player
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  12. Boston-Sox

    Boston-Sox Emergency Backup

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    Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
    Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
    tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,
    and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly
    horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

    So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
    has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
    red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
    was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
    could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough,
    there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
    By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,
    but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into
    my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
    Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --
    but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
    I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge
    and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
    But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died
    there on the balcony."

    "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

    The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
    and again asks for his story.

    "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
    building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
    Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.
    But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
    I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto
    the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
    kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed
    a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
    lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
    thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky
    and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

    Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

    The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
    heaven was full and asked for his story.
    "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
     
    Craven Koppite, Salty and Bronco like this.
  13. Hugh Jarse

    Hugh Jarse Squad Player
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  14. Boston-Sox

    Boston-Sox Emergency Backup

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    When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
     
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  15. Boston-Sox

    Boston-Sox Emergency Backup

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    “Poor old fool,” thought the gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. He invited the old man inside for a drink. The gentleman asked, “So how many have you caught today?

    ”The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
     
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  16. Bronco

    Bronco Star Player
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  17. Bronco

    Bronco Star Player
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  18. Tony Wilkinson

    Tony Wilkinson Squad Player
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    318430638_10225799053977576_1428236079436674664_n.jpg
     
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  19. bailiff bridge bantam

    P.L.22/23 Entrant Euro 2020

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  20. Tony Wilkinson

    Tony Wilkinson Squad Player
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    The clues were always there .....

    348609965_195490370106077_2814206896999256529_n.jpg
     
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