Joke Thread

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"


The husband says ................................................................ "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon

 

An 82-year-old man goes to his doctor.

'I want a complete physical examination. I'm about to get married,’ he says.

'How old are you?' the doctor asks.

'I'm 82 and she's 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything's working properly,' says the old man.

The Doctor says: '24! Well, I'll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.'

'Yes, yes, what a good idea,' says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later.

'Did you get married?' asks the doctor. 'How's your young bride?'

'She's pregnant,' says the old man proudly.

'And, erm, how's the lodger?' says the doctor nervously.

'She's pregnant, too,' says the old man

 

Went to the train station and asked for a return ticket, Where To? he asked, Back Here I replied

 

.

 

Clever

 

Three Iron's on a shirt.

 

Her dog came in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and the male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me." he replied.

 

DOG FOR SALE!

A man sees a sign saying 'Talking Dog for Sale'.
Intrigued, he rings the door bell and the owner appears and says the dog is in the back garden.
The man sees a gorgeous Springer Spaniel and says to the dog, "Do you really talk?"
"Yes" says the dog, in perfect English.
After reeling from shock, the mans says "Please, tell me your story".
"Well, I realised I could talk when I was just a puppy so I was soon sold to the SAS. They immediately were sending me all over the world where I would sit in with spies and world leaders because they never had a clue that i was eavesdropping the whole time.
I was one of their most valuable spies for over eight years"
"Eventually I was getting tired and older so I decided to settle down and lead a less stressful life.
I got a job at Heathrow Airport doing undercover security work. The amount of drug deals I thwarted was ridiculous and I ended up receiving many awards."
" I eventually settled down and got married, even having several puppies of my own, and have now fully retired"
The man, totally amazed, goes back into the house and asks how much the owner wants for the dog.

"Ten quid should do it" the owner says.

"TEN QUID! But your dog is amazing! Why are you selling it so cheaply?


"Because he's a bloody liar, he's never even been out of the garden!"

 

People are buying up hosepipes before the ban comes in....

To help out during the current water shortage ,our local swimming pool is only opening two lanes!