Joke Thread

A young guy named Mark got a parrot for his birthday. But this was no ordinary bird… oh no.

This parrot had the mouth of a drunken pirate on payday.

It cussed. It insulted. It even made fun of Mark’s haircut.

Mark tried everything—kind words, calming music, even educational YouTube videos.

Nothing worked.

One day, completely fed up, Mark shouted at the parrot.

The parrot shouted back—worse than ever.

Mark grabbed the cage and shook it. The parrot exploded with even more colorful language.

Finally, Mark lost it. He opened the freezer, put the parrot in, and slammed the door shut.

There was squawking… kicking… flapping…

And then—complete silence.

After a long, still minute, Mark panicked. “Oh no… what have I done?”

He flung the freezer open.

Out stepped the parrot, calm as ever. It climbed onto Mark’s arm, cleared its throat, and said:

“Sir, I want to apologize deeply for my rude behavior. I was completely out of line, and I intend to become a much more civilized parrot moving forward.”

Mark blinked in shock.

Before he could say a word, the parrot leaned in and whispered:

“…May I ask what the chicken did?”

 

How the f**k did they get that on a dinghy!

 

Sat outside a pub in Hemington Derbyshire listening to the live act sing "Midland Road Take Me Home'. Can't understand why the rest of the audience aren't joining in with me!

 

Two female teachers took a group of students from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Pontefract
racecourse, to watch horse racing.
When it was time to take the children to the
'bathroom' it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in year 3?'
'No miss, he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help....