Joke Thread

Not for astronauts

 

Had to go to hospital yesterday.
As I sat in the waiting room, a nurse popped in and said “The best laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft a-gley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain For promis'd joy.”
Later, a doctor came in and said “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace.”
I went to the receptionist to ask if I was in A&E, she replied,


“No ............................................... this is the Burns unit.”

 

A little boy gets home from school and says: "Dad, I've got a part in the school Nativity as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His father replies:





"Never mind son .................................................. maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

 

Bought a head of cabbage at a small family run green grocers called Mamas and Papas, couldn't eat it, all the leaves were brown.

 

Spent a couple of nights in hospital, said to the nurse "Go on give us a goodnight kiss", give over she says. I shouldn't even be in bed with you....

 

I said to my doctor " I applied that haemorrhoid cream you gave me but I got a very nasty reaction"

"Where did you apply it?" he asked.

I said "On the bus"...

 

I got an honours degree in calligraphy.


To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job, but it looks good on paper...

 

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

RCB

 

Top Trumps! I recently saw an expanded version of that:

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," said the consultant, "it's the Serious Burns Unit."

RCB

 

Yorkshire man walks into a vets
"there's summat wrong wi t'cat"
Vet " is it a tom?"
" Nah it's ere in t'basket"

 

Bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said ‘Thanks.’

I said 'Don't mention it...'


For our holidays last year I said to my wife "Throw a dart at this world map and, wherever it lands, I'm taking you there on holiday".



We had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board



Just heard on the news that a bloke has been shot dead with a starter pistol.



Police think it may be race related.

 

Don't you hate it when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours?



It's a worst case scenario

 

I've joined a dating agency in the Ukraine. Now I've got a chick in Kiev.